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TC Reviews: Chess

TC Reviews: Chess

Game News - posted by Whisky on Wed 1 April 2015, 14:45:45

Tags: Chess; Review; Tacticular Cancer

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Chess is an ancient game, long speculated to have originated in India but has travelled far and abroad with regional changes to it as it migrated. It's one of the most widespread board games and is considered by many to be a classic.

It's also completely overrated.

Let's break it down.


Story:


There's these white dudes who kill black dudes. WOW. Fucking racist. The white dudes even go first.

You can tell this was created by an old, white dude. It has no relevance to modern day narrative.


Gameplay:

Gameplay starts out somewhat fast but still dull. You move the pawns (Front pieces) forward one step at a time. Sometimes you can do two steps, this is a vain attempt to make things more interesting and strategic in early gameplay. Eventually you will be able to utilize the more powerful units at the back, but it's too little and too late.

If you capture the king the game ends. This results in end-game being a dull maneuvering game with lots of nothing going on. This game would be more interesting if it was real-time with pause.

The rules are also confusing. I thought I understood it all but then my friend who I was playing with did something he called "En Passant," in a very smug voice. I throat-punched him for that one.


Soundtrack:


Pieces make a nice tapping sound when you move them.


Replayability:

None. You can't choose your initial formation, something even games like Battleship allow you to do. There is no incentive to play again, it's always the same thing.


Summary:

Chess is an old game and it shows. In our modern age, we have a million more choices that are significantly more refined and as a result Chess is even more backwards. At best it's like a cheesy 50's sitcom, at worst it's a hate-mongering piece of shit.

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